What New York Used To Be
by risokura
Summary: For the first time in seven years, time had stopped. Soon, his heart would be full again. AxelRoxas AU.
1. Part I

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Kingdom Hearts

**A/N: **Okay. I tried. I really, really _tried_. No, really, I did.

This was supposed to be a relatively short one shot but I got way too into it (_of course_) and now it'll be a really long two part … two shot. If that's even a term… whatever. This was formerly titled _Gasoline_, because when I was first thinking about this, all I could think about was Axel … and a highway and fast cars and shit. As the story came together, well, all of that pretty much changed.

I wrote Axel and Roxas's characters a bit differently that I'm used to. Axel's a bit more reserved in this whereas Roxas is the more livelier one. It's different, but kind of interesting at the same time to switch things around. I'll see where this goes.

Bah. I'm no good at these author note things. It's why I hardly right them.

Well, carry on.

x

**What New York Used To Be  
>[<strong>PART I**]  
><strong>

x

**what easy used to be. what love used to be. what drugs used to be. what tv used to be.**

_I'm lying on my back in the middle of this road. _

_I can feel the abstract rhythm of my failing heart beating against my weakened ribcage. It's irregular, skipping and beating out of sync with my mind and my soul. My hands rest upon the razor sharp edges of my hips, threatening to break through the hold my fragile skin has upon them. They slide down those harrowing hills of death, moving across the hollow concave of my emaciated torso. _

_I can see the bones; feel them, as they increase in number. _

_Maybe I am sick, maybe this is wrong. Maybe what I'm doing isn't right, but this has all been said before. My story has been rehashed a million times over, every word flowing from my existence coming into reality from another person's mouth. I breathe in again. _

_On this night, I will let go of everything. _

_6/6_

_4:12 AM_

_-x-_

His emaciated frame was going to end up wrapped around the railing of the highway by the end of the night, as he rounded another narrow turn at nearly fifty miles per hour.

He leaned low; almost feeling his knee hit the pavement. His bike eventually straightened out as he headed down into the harrowing pass before him. He was flying, the wind rippling through his clothing as he rushed further into the warmth of the spring night. He was pushing whatever limits he could to test the truth of his humanity.

His name was Axel. Currently twenty three, turning twenty four by the middle of the summer and he was on his way back to his beloved, polluted, city of lights. The only place on Earth that never seemed to sleep.

He was sixteen when he left New York. Dropped out of school, got his GED and made a decision to head north. He needed a new place to settle away from his jaded life on 27 Central Park West. And on a crisp spring morning with nary a cloud in sight, he packed up everything he cared about, boarded a bus at Port Authority and never looked back. The destination? He had no idea. He just knew that he was making his way out and he was never going to look back.

At least, he never thought he'd be looking back. That is, until now.

He had been in Winthrop. Some no name town not too far from Boston when he got the call. His old man—who he hadn't been in contact with in _years—_had passed away. And now Axel was coming back to pay his respects. After all, he _was _a good son, wasn't he?

Good son … right.

Not even halfway into his journey, and already he was beginning to wonder if this was a good idea at all. Or rather, why did something so minute have such control over him? In the form of clichéd thoughts, Axel would try and rationalize within his conflicted psyche by telling himself, _that's my father_. That was _his _ father. He had to go, didn't he?

And besides, no one said he had to stay in New York, right? He was just coming back after his near seven year absence to see the corpse and be done with things. After which, he would be right back on his bike to continue on with his mundane gallivanting all over New England.

And yet, in all honesty, he was starting to tire of his routine. He never stayed anywhere long enough for anyone to get a name, just enough to make an impression that would leave behind whispers that trailed red lights into the night. He did have a house, though. A mansion in Hartford, Connecticut. It was just so he had somewhere he could rest for awhile before he ran off into the night again.

It wasn't like he had to work, either. His father was always giving him insurmountable amounts of money to use at his discretion. And what did Axel have to do? Just stay away. That's all his father had told him to do before he left. He didn't care what the cost; he would keep giving him money. As long as he kept that _disease—_that unnatural ideology—out of his home.

And so, Axel did just that.

That was, until his little sister broke the silence with a phone call nearly six months ago.

"_Axel? It's Kairi … I found … uhm, got your number from Dad the other day. I'm calling to talk to you about Dad. He's … not doing so well. He didn't want me to call you, but I thought I should. You should know. We never hear from you. I miss you so much. Call me back soon, okay?"_

Oh, little Kairi.

"_Hi, Axel. It's Kairi again … I don't know if you got my last message. I know it's been a long time since we talked, but we really need you here right now. I would really like it if you were here right now. Dad's is probably going to need surgery … the doctor's are saying they're doing all that they can…" _

She was barely out of elementary school when he left. She had to be at least fourteen or fifteen by now, right? Almost the age at which he left home.

"_Axel … it's … it's Kairi. Please, come back to New York. I … we really need you here right now. Dad … is … he …"_

And what would happen now? Their mother had died in childbirth with Kairi and now with their father gone as well, what would happen to his little sister? Would he be forced to assume guardianship over her? He would have to look after her, wouldn't he? He could barely look after himself half the time; he couldn't imagine looking after his kid sister, too.

It was too much to think about all of this now. Axel shortly resolved that he'd figure all of it out when he got there. All he could do now was speculate. It made no sense trying to figure out what he wouldn't know until he got back to New York.

Besides, Axel should have been focusing on the road rather than getting lost in his thoughts. Because if he hadn't, he sure as hell would have missed the body lying in the middle of the road as he cut around another bend at a less than legal speed.

Body? Road? What?

It didn't take long for Axel to realize that he was staring at the sky. His back was pressed against the gritty concrete of the poorly paved road and he was pretty sure his artfully distressed and ripped designer jeans had been un-artfully and unintentionally ripped from his spectacular wipe out. He flipped back the visor of his helmet and slowly removed it from his head and set it to his side. He could hear the faint hum of his bike a little further up the road.

After regaining some control of his body, he chanced sitting up to make sure he hadn't broken anything. Fingers? Still attached. Toes? Still functional. Head? Feels okay. Legs? … Well, his knees were bleeding somewhat, but he'd live. Arms? Still usable. Axel breathed out a sigh of relief after giving himself the once over. Perhaps luck was on his side tonight.

He got to his feet and checked on his bike first. It was still in operating condition as he bent down to pick it up and stand it upright again. He sat his helmet on the seat and then turned back to the body lying in the middle of the road.

"What the fuck …?"

It was still lying perfectly still. Ironic that _it _was unharmed while, Axel was currently nursing two fucked up knees and a throbbing headache. Sighing, Axel reached up to massage his sore neck as he tried to gauge what he should do about his current situation. Axel was known for doing crazy shit. It was the whole basis on which his life was built upon. But he didn't do the whole dead body in the middle of the woods at night shit. No, nuh-uh. Even Axel had _some _type of limits.

The body didn't really look … dead now that he got a closer look at it. Actually, he saw that it was still breathing. Feeling a slight nagging in his conscious—he _did _have one, albeit, small—Axel advanced slowly to the body with his guard up the entire time.

It was a boy. He was young, probably around his sister's age or a little older. Blonde hair and a baby face. He was dressed in jeans they looked like they were cutting off the circulation to his dick, standard beat up black chucks and a worn hoodie. He didn't _look _dead, but he was so still, it made Axel think otherwise. His breathing was slow and even. It didn't look like someone had put him here … rather like the kid had walked there and passed out of some other type of strange shit.

And so, Axel curiously went with a different approach. He poked the kid in his face.

The first thing he noticed was blue eyes. Bright, focused and sharp. They instantly focused on Axel and never wavered. "You were supposed to hit me. Not run off the road and nearly kill yourself."

So the kid _was _alive. That was one good thing at least.

After getting over his minor shock, Axel raised an eyebrow in question, "Come again?"

He nodded his head over to Axel's bike that was parked on the shoulder of the highway. "Get back on that bike and run me over already."

Axel had gotten a lot of requests to do a bunch of crazy shit in his twenty three years of life. But no one, not even that kid he met in Boston with klismaphilia, had asked him to do anything as absurd as what … (we'll call him Blue Eyes for now) … Blue Eyes wanted.

Axel's eyebrows furrowed slightly. "Are you fucking insane?"

"If you talk to my therapist, he'll probably tell you I am."

"Get up." Axel commanded in exasperation. He didn't have time for the teen angst tonight. "Are you trying to kill people by sending them flying off the road when they see you just lying here?"

"Actually, I was hoping for someone else to do the honor." Blue Eyes replied dryly.

"Is this some kind of joke?" Axel asked, looking about him as if he were searching for cameras. "I'm waiting for the camera crew to jump out and tell me surprise or some shit."

"You can find someone to tape this if you like." Blue Eyes replied as he shrugged his shoulders, "Wouldn't matter, really. As long as you kill me, that's all that I care about."

Axel squinted hard at the kid, before shrugging and standing back up. He put his helmet back on and got back on the bike. He revved up the engine a couple of time and turned his attention back to the kid in the road. Well …

"You're actually going to do it?" Blue Eyes asked him in what appeared to be amazement. His whole despondent attitude from earlier had all but disappeared.

"That's the plan, isn't it? That's what you asked me to do, right?" Axel replied, flipping up the visor so he could look down at Blue Eyes.

"If someone told you to take it up the ass, would you do it?"

"Actually, I'm more on the giving side." Axel retorted, nonchalantly.

Blue Eyes laughed loudly into the night air, "To what? Sexually confused boys looking to have that infamous one night of experimentation at band camp? No thanks, not buying it Firetruck."

"_Firetruck_?" Axel asked through clenched teeth. People were always giving him shit about his hair. And, _yes, _despite popular belief, it **was** natural. The carpet did indeed match the drapes. Curious? Take a look for yourself. He didn't care.

"The hair is distracting." Blue Eyes shrugged his shoulders, "Is it even real?"

"Be my guest if you're so curious."

Blue Eyes looked at him for a minute and then laughed that same dry, sardonic laugh again. "No, thanks. I'm good." He turned away from Axel and then looked further up to the road in the direction Axel had come from, "Hmm … you know, maybe this can wait for a bit. You seem interesting enough. Want to humor me a bit before I die?"

"Look, kid, I don't have time to fuck around with self-deprecating, emo ass teenagers who can't suck up their problems and handle them like adults. Do you want me to kill you or whatever the fuck it is so I can get on with what I was doing, already?"

Blue Eyes blinked at him and shrugged, "Kind of judgmental aren't you? You seem kind reckless yourself. How fast did you take that last turn back there?"

Axel sighed and got off his bike. He walked over to Blue Eyes who was watching his every move. "Get up."

"You're supposed to kill me, first."

"No, I changed my mind. I'm not doing that crazy shit, anymore. Get the fuck up or I'm calling the cops to come get you."

Blue Eyes turned away from him, "I'm not moving."

"And neither am I." Axel snapped, crossing his arms.

"Fine by me." Blue Eyes replied. As Axel was removing his phone from the front pocket of his leather jacket, Blue Eyes laughed darkly, "Good luck getting any reception out here. It's a complete dead zone." He seemed to retracting back to his former melancholic tone, "If I tell you why I'm out here and why I want to die … will you kill me then?"

Axel stuffed the phone back into his jacket and shrugged, "Only if you get out of the road first."

Blue Eyes inhaled and exhaled loudly and got to his feet. His clothing seemed to swallow him whole as he got to his feet and dusted himself off. He walked over to the shoulder and hopped up on the railing. Axel noticed there was a beat up, discarded, white and black checkered book bag not too far away from where the kid had been lying.

"Runaway?" Axel asked.

Blue Eyes laughed as if he were mocking Axel for his question, "Not even, I'm not that lame…" He cocked his head to the side, "Oh no, I had to actively work to get myself to the place I'm at now. I was put out."

"Meaning?"

"You mean I don't look sick to you?" Blue Eyes asked, eyebrows rising in question.

"Fucked in the head, yes." Axel rolled his eyes, "You can't see shit out here, and it's too dark." He nodded toward a lamppost not too far from where they were standing, "Even those things don't do much for visibility."

Blue Eyes leaned forward and slid off the railing. He turned around to Axel, his eyes inexpressive. "Well, in that case, do you wanna guess?"

Axel sighed, "I don't know. What are you, like, fifteen? Sixteen? Let's see, at your age you're probably taking drugs and crashing cars or some shit. I bet your parents are shipping you off to dry out somewhere during the summer." He glanced around, "Seeing as there's a bus station not too far from here, I'm guessing they put you on a bus bound for some place in the middle of nowhere where you're supposed to realize that what you're doing is wrong, and yaddah, yaddah, whatever. Am I close?"

"Actually, I just turned seventeen this winter." Blue Eyes corrected him, "And it's not drugs, got myself a little friend called an eating disorder. Yes, yes, mother wanted to get rid of me and the step father happily put the plans in motion. Called up the biological father who I haven't seen since I was three, and, of course, lives in New York and asked him if I could come stay with him. So bingo, right on. I'm a walking, talking, portable Lifetime movie with a male lead."

Axel stared at him, "So …?"

"Oh, I don't throw up. I'm one of the ones who like to starve themselves until you see all my bones sticking out." He replied with a sadistic sort of mirth. Blue Eyes crossed his arms over his chest and began pacing slowly, "I spent last summer in residential. Started starving myself again this January and barely graduated because of it." He shrugged, "So, I tried my mother's last ounce of patience. She told me I was going to live with my father, put me on a bus to NYC and here I am in the middle of Ass Fuck Nowhere, Massachusetts trying to convince some pretty boy with clown hair to kill me."

"…There's more to this story than that."

"Not really." Blue Eyes replied, "So, you gonna do it or what? Cause I'll go right back and lay down in the middle of the road. If you won't do it, someone else has to." He began walking over to the road again, "Figure I'll fall asleep at some point, right? I won't feel it then if I'm sleeping … or at least not as much."

Axel dug his hands into his pockets and bit the inside of his cheek. This was impulsive, but maybe it would work. And besides, Axel _liked _impulsiveness sometimes. He was never one to play it safe. "…Kid, what if I take you with me? Would that change your mind?"

"Huh?" Blue Eyes asked.

Axel folded his arms over his chest, "I could drop you off anywhere you want to go. You don't even have to go to New York if you don't want to. Just … don't kill yourself."

"And why not?"

"Because it's dumb." Axel said, sighing loudly in aggravation. "You're a kid. You haven't experienced anything yet; you just graduated from fucking high school. You're a baby in terms of life experience."

A smirk, a challenge really, came to Blue Eyes face, "You think so?"

Axel sighed again, "Yes. I do."

"Hm," Blue Eyes seemed to be mulling something over in his head and then turned away from Axel. He walked back over to the shoulder of the highway, picked up his checkered book bag and slung it over his shoulder. Next, he walked over to Axel and cocked his head to the side in question, "Anywhere?"

"From Massachusetts to New York." Axel replied.

"That's a pretty limited _anywhere_, Firetruck."

"_Axel_." Axel seethed "My name is _Axel. _That's _A-X-E-L. _Got it memorized? And, okay, it's not anywhere. But, I'll take you anywhere you want within that vicinity."

"Okay, _Axel_. I'm _Roxas_. That's R-O-X-A-S. I hope _you _have that memorized." He replied, mocking the way Axel had pointed to his head for emphasis. Roxas glanced at Axel's bike, "So, you want me to stay alive, huh? I don't know about that. I saw how you were driving back there, you know? You might kill me with your wonderful driving skills."

"Shut up, kid." Axel rolled his eyes at Roxas and walked over to his bike. He motioned for Roxas to follow. "I don't have another helmet so hold on tight."

"Ooo, aren't we dangerous?" Roxas deadpanned as Axel got back onto the bike and Roxas climbed on behind him, "So, Firetruck … mind if I call you that? I've grown a bit attached to it in the short time we've known each other."

"Axel. Call me by my name." Axel snapped, flipping his visor shut.

"Fine, fine." Roxas replied, tightening his hold around Axel's abdomen, "Damn, do you eat? You feel as skinny as I did at my lowest."

Axel groaned mentally, wondering if he really did the right thing by allowing the kid to hitch a ride with him. Well, better that than him lying around in the middle of nowhere waiting to be killed by oncoming traffic in the early morning.

"Yeah, so anyway, _Axel_, where are you headed?"

"New York." Axel replied, pulling in the clutch and shifting gears.

"For?"

"To pay my respects to my old man."

"Dead father, huh?" Roxas began, "Guess this movie has two male leads. And the plot thickens."

"Could you be any more disrespectful, kid?"

"Can't help it, Firetruck, it's engrained into my personality. I'm not really known for winning the Mr. Congeniality award."

"I thought I told you to stop calling me that." Axel snapped.

"Well then, stop calling me kid and we have a deal. How old are you anyway?" Roxas asked.

"Twenty three." Axel replied.

"And _I'M _a baby? You're even worse. At least I'm at the part of my life where every day's a party. You're going to be entering your quarter life crisis in two years. Pretty soon you'll be questioning where your life is going in a few years. Then, you'll get all mopey or some shit and travel to some foreign country to try and find meaning in your life or something as equally sad and pathetic. Me? I'll just pump drugs into my system and black out on alcohol every day. Axel, I'd say I have the better end of the stick."

"You know, for someone that wanted to die not too long ago, you sure do talk a lot."

"Who says I still don't want to die?" Roxas asked, "…Just enjoying the moment before I find my conviction again."

"Have I convinced you otherwise?" Axel questioned.

"Maybe for a bit." Roxas replied, "Now that I think about it, killing myself on a road in the middle of nowhere is a crap idea. That's what happens when you deprive yourself of food for so long. You think of all these stupid and idiotic things that seem like good ideas in the beginning but they're really fucking stupid in actuality."

"Like starving yourself, isn't?"

"There you go being judgmental again."

"It's just, you never hear guys doing that shit. It's always girls."

"Well, guess I'm one of the lucky few who do."

"You're fucked up, you know?"

"I know." Roxas replied, cheekily. "Why do you think my mother kicked me out?"

Axel's only answer was taking the next turn he saw so sharp and fast, Roxas nearly went flying off his bike.

-x-

The sun was starting to come up not too long after they had set off from where Axel had found Roxas. They had stopped talking sometime ago and Axel presumed Roxas had gone to sleep. However, the kid's thin arms were still fastened tightly around his abdomen, so maybe he was only resting his eyes. Whatever the case, he welcomed the silence in the early dawn. They were almost out of Massachusetts and would be in Connecticut within a few more exits. If Axel's calculations were right, he would probably be in New York by ten or eleven at the latest.

In the silence, Axel's mind was beginning to wander again.

It was insane, this idea of his. First off, the legal consequences that could arise as a result of what he was doing for Roxas were the first thing on his mind. But, whatever, it wasn't like he hadn't done worse. And besides, it was better than leaving him for dead in the middle of the road like that. He was being a good samaritan … in a fucked up kind of way.

Two, Roxas was quite the … commodity. In past years, Axel had heard it all. He was a weirdo, eccentric, off, insane, outcast, freak … but Roxas appeared to have him somewhat beat in that category. The way the kid spoke so candidly about anything and everything as if he didn't care if he offended anyone—scratch that, he really didn't—was different to him. Even if he had only known him for tops, an hour or so. This short, little scrawny kid was just … different. But, Axel liked different. Different was good. Kept things interesting.

Three, what would happen when he got back to New York? The wake was supposed to be scheduled for this evening. How would his family receive him? They didn't know the truth behind why he had left New York. He was pretty sure his father had made sure of that. But, he was sure they had questioned his absence. What lies would he have to discover and spin to keep things as normal as possible?

Lastly, he was starting to get somewhat hungry and they were running low on gas. The next service station was a few exits away, so he could manage until he got there.

"Where are we?"

Axel was knocked out of his reverie by Roxas's small voice coming from behind him, "Just out of Massachusetts."

Roxas turned to his left, "Sun's up, huh?"

"That would be what the bright source of light is called, Roxas."

"Cute." Roxas yawned, "You're really bony. Not the most comfortable surface to sleep on."

"No one told you to fall asleep."

"I wasn't sleeping. I was resting my eyes."

"Right," Axel answered, feeling a slight smirk come to his face. "I need to get gas soon. Are you hungry?"

"I don't eat, remember?" Roxas patted him on the back.

"Right, right …" Axel nodded his head.

Roxas turned his attention to the sun that was still rising behind them, "I do drink coffee though. _A lot _of coffee."

"What's that like one of your safe foods or some weird shit?" Axel questioned.

"Huh, that's a surprise." Roxas began, turning around to look at Axel again, "Here I was thinking you were some brainless pretty boy on a motorcycle but you actually know a little something, Axel. I'm slightly—a minute portion of me, that is—impressed."

"I read all sorts of random shit from time to time," Axel shrugged nonchalantly at Roxas's none-too-subtle insult. "You pick up a few things."

"Hm, I bet." Roxas shifted his weight and slid closer to Axel, "What else do you know?"

"You suffer from a distorted body image. There's an intense fear of weight gain … hiding food … basic stuff that everyone usually knows or has heard of at one point or another." Axel cleared his throat, "Anything you want to add?"

"I can tell you that I lie a lot." Roxas hummed happily, "Key to having an eating disorder, you might as well become a good liar."

"Really?" Axel asked, "So everything you told me back there was a lie, huh?"

"Hmm, nope." Roxas shook his head, "That was the truth. Maybe a bit exaggerated, but it was the truth." He pointed past Axel's shoulder, "The service station is coming up."

"Yeah …" Axel replied and moved out of traffic and headed in the direction of the service station.

After weaving through the parking lot, Axel pulled up behind a black coupe at the gas station and turned the bike off. Roxas hopped down off the bike and stretched languidly in the warmth of the early morning sun. Axel pulled his helmet off his head, sat it down on his bike and inhaled deeply. The only thing he hated about riding was how stuffy his helmet became after long periods of time.

With a quick glance over in Roxas's direction, he saw that he was still stretching and sighing in contentment. But, Axel felt himself cringe as he watched Roxas move. Even as swallowed as he was by his worn hoodie, the physical state of Roxas's body was clear as day. There was the ever definitive gap between his legs. The razor sharp edges of his collar bones that peaked out from where he had left the hoodie partially unzipped at the top of his neck. He shuddered to think about the state of the rest of Roxas's body that was hidden underneath his clothing.

Hell, not that Axel was one to talk when it came to the matter of thinness. But, at least he had _a little _meat on his bones. Enough to guarantee that people weren't completely worried about the state of his health when they saw him. Roxas looked like he was a walking corpse just about ready to keel over at any time.

"Here, Roxas. Come here."

"Huh?"

Axel unzipped his jacket and reached into a pocket sewn into the inside. He pulled out his wallet and handed the kid a ten. He nodded in the direction of the small mini mart, "Go get yourself something. Besides coffee that is. Get a … get like a muffin or something."

Roxas looked down at the ten and then up to Axel with a facial expression that clearly said, 'You fucking idiot, I already told you I don't eat.'

Axel walked behind the boy and gave him a push on his lower back, "_Go_."

Roxas shrugged, slung his bookbag over his shoulder and headed in the direction of the mini mart without another word to Axel. Axel sighed in relief and turned around to occupy himself with pumping gas into the bike. He expected Roxas to be back by the time he had finished pumping, but the kid was nowhere in sight. He had just pulled his helmet and gloves back on when Roxas finally sprang forth from the mini mart, a maniacal a grin on his face with the shop owner yelling profanities and waving his arms at him.

He all but jumped onto the back of Axel's back and hit the red head quickly on the shoulder, "Go, go go!"

Axel didn't even begin to question what Roxas had done before he squeezed the clutch, shifted gears and sped off from the gas station. They were a little while away from the service station and were nearing the highway when Axel turned around to ask him what had happened.

"_What _did you do, Roxas?"

"Multiple five finger discounts." Roxas replied, taking off the shades he was still wearing and waved them in front of Axel's line of vision, "You like? I got them so my eyes stop feeling like they're being raped by the wind."

"What the fuck? _Roxas_, I gave you money for a reason. What else did you steal?"

"Let's see, some energy drinks, some double shot Starbucks drinks …" He reached underneath his hoodie and Axel could hear the crinkling of plastic over the rushing wind, "…And _look_. A _muffin_. This is for you, though. I'll hold onto it until you get hungry."

Axel sighed loudly, "So, should we add stealing to your resume?"

"Guess so." Roxas replied, "Oh, I also stole some band aids and disinfectant for your knees. We should stop again so you can fix them."

"Despite how fucked up all of this is, I appreciate the sentiment." Axel said, "So what did you do with the money?"

Roxas lowered his voice a bit, "There was a lady inside… she didn't have a ton of money with her. She looked pretty despondent so I gave it to her."

"…What are you like some fucked up version of Robin Hood? You steal from mini marts, but give money to some random woman barely braving the poverty line?"

"Sounds kind of nice, doesn't it?"

"Kid." Axel sighed as they neared the highway again, "You're fucked."

-x-

"So, Axel. Can you tell me more about this father of yours?" Roxas pressed, leaning forward onto Axel's shoulder. "How'd he die?"

"Dilated cardiomyopathy." Axel replied, "Had an enlarged heart that couldn't pump blood right. They operated on him, budidn't do much. My little sister called me on the night that he passed begging me to come home to the wake. …Maybe I'll stick around for the funeral if I feel like it."

"Hmm, a sister, huh?" Roxas asked, "What's her name?"

"Kairi. She's younger than you. Fifteen, is it? Yeah, she's fifteen. …If I'm right, her birthday was just last month." He shrugged, "The only reason I'm really coming back to New York is for her, really."

"Why?" Roxas asked curiously.

"Mom died in childbirth, we have other family … but we're somewhat removed from them. At least I am to some degree. I haven't seen Kairi in years, but there's no way in hell that I'm going to lose my little sister to _those _people."

"Ah," Roxas began, "Family issues, huh? So, you're not just a pretty boy with a motorcycle, are you, Axel? You're a pretty _bad _boy with a motorcycle and a chip on your shoulder."

"Call it what you will, Roxas." Axel replied, "I left New York when I was sixteen and I never looked back after I left. Spent a couple of years wandering the entire northern East Coast. I never stayed anywhere for too long, though."

"And how did you do that?"

"Some people will pay you to stay away."

"Your father, huh?" Roxas asked, "That's rough …"

"Wanna guess why?"

"Hmm …" Roxas began, "Drugs?"

"Nope."

"Crashed any expensive cars lately?"

"Hardly. Come on. I'm from _Manhattan_, Roxas. When do we ever drive _anywhere_?" Axel scoffed.

"Okay, okay…" Roxas bit his bottom lip and then shook Axel's shoulder, "Eating disorder?"

"Fat chance. Guess again, kid." Axel laughed incredulously, "I may be skinny, but trust me, unlike you, I eat."

"Hmmm." Roxas snapped his fingers when he finally had his next answer, "You're gay!"

"Ding, ding, ding. Bingo."

"Don't know how _that _one escaped me first," Roxas muttered, "So, are you gay _gay_? Or are you one of those guys who get all touchy feely when he's rolling at a rave or some shit? Or better yet, are you one of those guys who aren't '_gay' _but they just like to fuck around with other guys?"

"Gay _gay_, kid." Axel snickered, "Why? I don't seem like it?"

"Mmm, maybe. You've got this whole … straight guy aura thing to you, though. I mean, you don't really have any effeminate qualities from what I've seen. But, at the same time, it's like … if you told someone you were gay, I don't think they'd be surprised. You're just … you, I guess." Roxas shrugged, "So, what happened?"

"What?"

"Why did he pay to keep you away? Must've been bad if he went that far, huh?"

"Saïx." Axel began, trying hard to keep the malice out of his voice, "His name is Saïx. He's the reason I left New York when I did."

"…Hmmm, there's more to the story than that, isn't there, Axel?"

"It's not worth getting into right now, Roxas."

"Hm, fine." Roxas replied, gazing up at the blue sky. His stomach grumbled loudly and he massaged his abdomen with his stray hand. "Shit."

"Hungry, huh?"

"More like indigestion. I shouldn't have had all those energy drinks." Roxas mumbled, "Is there some place to eat? Another service station or something nearby? I have to pee … really … really badly."

"Yeah, yeah. Hold on. I'll kill you if you piss on my bike."

Axel picked up speed and cut dangerously across oncoming traffic to the exit ramp. The only thing in the area was some run down looking diner and a bridge connecting a wide expanse of trees to open land. Axel pulled into the parking lot of the diner and turned off his bike. "Leave your bag and go inside. I'll catch up." Axel said, as he began taking off his helmet, "And don't piss on yourself!"

Roxas flipped him one as rushed toward the front of the diner and let himself inside. Once he secured his bike, Axel picked up Roxas's bookbag and nearly winced at the weight of it. What the hell was he carrying in here? He lugged the bag up onto his shoulder and tucked his helmet underneath his arm and made his way to the diner.

It was cool inside and hardly crowded from the looks of things. Axel took a seat in a booth over by the door and sat down. He sat his helmet down on the table and put Roxas's bag on the other side of the booth. A waitress popped by to distribute menus and walked away a minute later. Roxas came out the bathroom with a sigh of relief and easily found Axel in his booth. Roxas plopped down in the other seat across from him and crossed his arms on the table.

"Better?" Axel asked, not looking up from his menu.

"Yeah." Roxas replied, "I'm never loading up on drinks like that again."

"Hm," Axel flipped the menu over, "Not only are they bad for you, but they have no nutritional value whatsoever. But why am I saying this? As if you care."

"Is that concern I'm hearing in your voice?" Roxas mocked, grinning wickedly before settling into his side of the booth. He unzipped the bottom part of his bag and rummaged around in there for a bit. A second later he was pulling out a container with numerous pills shoved into its little tiny slots.

"What are those?"

"Happy pills that I should take but never do. Hmm, and vitamins too. Let's see, I've got Prozac and Klonopin. Oh, there's Valium, too. It's my mother's. Stole it before I left. Thought it might come in handy for something, but, I might just toss it. The rest of the pills are vitamins. I guess I figure if I'm killing myself by not eating, I should at least take vitamins, right?"

Axel shrugged his shoulders and sighed, "What does it stem from?"

"The eating disorder?" Roxas asked, eyebrows rising in question. "Well …there was more before that."

Before Axel could ask Roxas what he meant, he accepted a glass of water from their waitress and Roxas did the same. He ordered a milkshake and fries while Roxas, of course, ordered nothing. The waitress looked at him a little strangely but didn't say anything.

"More?" Axel asked, taking a sip of his water.

Roxas downed his pills quickly, winced slightly as he swallowed and then nodded at Axel, "Yeah. How squeamish are you, Axel?"

"Not very, why?"

Roxas went silent for a minute as he dropped his hands into his lap. He glanced around them to make sure no one was paying attention and then pulled the sleeve back on his left arm and then his right.

"Roxas …" Axel began, covering his hand with his mouth, "Oh my God."

Angry lines of red, blue and purple decorated nearly every inch of the teenager's skin. His arms were a myriad of scars, cuts, bruises, and burns. There were words carved into the flesh of his arm, now barely fading or covered over with something new. He had stitches on the tops of both of his wrists and bandages covered something on his left forearm.

"Yeah, that's typically the response I get for all of this." He covered his arms with his hoodie again and seemed to have trouble meeting Axel's eyes. It was as if he regretted showing him in the moments that ensued.

"…Roxas. Why?"

"I have a twin sister." Roxas began, "Her name is Naminé. She's an artist. Sweet girl, quiet, shy, would never harm anything or anyone. A couple of years ago, she went to live with my father in New York. My mother never exactly told me why, but I had a feeling it had to do with my stepfather." His blue eyes grew a bit glassy at the thought, "I found out he was molesting her."

Axel's eyebrows furrowed slightly as he listened to Roxas talk.

"My mother thought she could solve the situation by sending Naminé to go live with my father. Now, you see, my father was under the impression that things with Naminé just weren't going right in Massachusetts so … who was he to refuse his daughter to let him live with her? When we were younger, my mother pretty much tore us away from him. But, when the whole thing with Naminé happened, he came back into the picture."

"And what about you, Roxas?"

"Me … well …" Roxas chucked darkly, "Who's to say he wasn't abusing me either, huh? The cutting began as a result of it. But, then, you know … I realized I could do so much more than cutting. I could, I don't know, maybe … do something more that would kill my mother. Do something that would really make her suffer. Just like my stepfather had done to me and Naminé for nearly our entire lives." He fiddled with the glass in front of him, "So I stopped eating … and I'd turn this little game he was playing on him."

"What did you do?"

"I started fucking her husband." He replied with a strange sense of pride.

"_What_?"

"Yup, I fucked the man that fucked with my sister. Me and Nam look just like our mother. He was always drinking, never knew the difference. Everything looks the same when you get as fucked up as he used to." Roxas laughed bitterly, "I used to do all sorts of fucked up shit to him. He'd never remember a thing in the morning, though. I remember on one occasion he asked my mother if she could do the 'kinky shit again she did last night'. She looked at him like he lost his mind and told him he was probably dreaming."

"Did she ever find out?"

"Oh yeah," Roxas stated happily. He fiddled around with one of the sugar packets, "My stepfather was starting to figure some things out, or at least, I think he was. He never said anything else to my mom about the, 'wild and passionate sex they had last night'. But, there was this one night, you see. I knew my mom would be home early. I was getting tired of my little game. And she? She was getting increasingly worried about how skinny I was getting and I figured out exactly how I wanted to end things."

"What … did you do?"

"You ever see the movie,_ The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things_? It's a fucked up movie, but it's pretty good, regardless. There's this scene towards the end or so where the mother's son puts on her lingerie and lipstick and seduces her boyfriend. It's pretty much how the night she found us went down. I dressed up in her lingerie, put on her lipstick and went to town." He smiled sadly, perhaps out of guilt or shame when he looked up at Axel, "I don't know what was worse. Her finding the two of us with my legs wrapped around her husband's waist. Or … my step father calling out my name when he finally climaxed."

-x-

They didn't say much to each other after the story Roxas had told Axel at the diner.

He had barely known the kid for half a day, but he felt like his short time with Roxas had been an eternity. There was something about the little pint sized kid with his fluctuating moods, going from surly to excitable in less than five minutes, that he liked. But, maybe it was all an act. Something to take the edge off of where he had come from, what he had gone through. A way to dissociate, if not completely, partially.

The image of all those markings on his arms were still burned into Axel's memory no matter how hard he fought to shake them off. Axel had gone through his own period of self-destruction after he left New York. Drinking alcohol like it was water and obtaining all the nose candy daddy's money could buy. Afterwards he would fuck a random dude he met in the club and then pass out in some seedy neighborhood with no recollection of how he got there.

But, what did you do when you woke up? You got up, puked, brushed yourself off and went on to do the whole thing all over again.

By the time he hit twenty, Axel had had enough of it. Whatever hole he was trying to close refused to stay full. He retired to Connecticut for a year, bought himself that useless six bedroom, five and a half bath mansion in Hartford and aired out. On his 21st birthday, he bought his bike and was right back on the road in search of something else. Something beyond the booze, the drugs and the nameless men and all of their vacant beds. He wanted something more than that.

And at 23, he was still looking for whatever it was.

He felt Roxas clutching onto him a bit more tightly than he had previously. What had happened in the diner had apparently taking a lot out of him. That, or he was crashing from lack of sleep and loading up on all those energy drinks earlier that morning.

"Hey," Axel shifted his shoulder gently, "You okay back there?"

"I'm fine." Roxas responded, "Just tired."

"You always seem to be tired." Axel chided, "I know you don't eat, but we need to get something in you besides energy drinks and water, Roxas."

"I would if I could." Roxas muttered in return.

"We will." Axel replied, "When we get to wherever you want me to take you, I'll make sure you eat. I'm not leaving until you do."

Roxas hummed happily. He sounded delirious, "There was a nurse back in residential. Everyone kind of gave me a hard time when I first came, but not her…" He sighed, "Her name was Aerith. She was this soft spoken woman with the kindest green eyes. She used to tell me the same thing. She would always stay with me until I ate everything. She used to tell me that there was no rush. I should try my best and she'd stick with me until I did it."

"Yeah?" Axel asked, "Sounds nice."

"She was. I miss her. She was the only person … that made me see that maybe attempting recovery was okay." Roxas murmured, "You know, I started all of this as a way to get back at my mother for what happened with my sister but it ended up destroying me far more than it did her." He cleared his throat as his voice seemed to break. "Axel, forget this stupid plan to run away. I want to go to New York. …I want to see my father. There's really nothing for me out here. Take me with you?"

"To be honest, Rox, that's what I intended to do." Axel stated, "You're too sick to make it out there on your own as you are now."

"Rox? What happened to kid?" Roxas asked, hitting him lightly on the shoulder. "And, yeah, I know. Why do you think I wanted to kill myself? There was nothing for me … at least, I thought so. Talking about what happened has kind of made me think otherwise, though."

"I'm glad to hear that." Axel replied, "And what's wrong with Rox? Easier than saying Roxas all the time."

"What about if I start calling you Ax?" Roxas snickered, "We could be Rox and Ax. …That sounds like a bad rock group. Never mind." Roxas gazed up at an exit that passed overhead and sighed in relief, "We're almost there, huh?"

"Yeah, guess so."

"Didn't really feel like all that long."

"Typically it's a four hour ride, so no, it isn't." Axel answered, "What time is it?"

"Almost twelve." Roxas said, "Hey, Axel?"

"Yeah?"

"If it's not any trouble … can you finish that story from before? About that Saïx guy?"

Axel threw a quick glance over his shoulder at Roxas and then lowered his voice, "What do you want to know?"

"Why do you hate him so much?"

Axel sighed and shook his head, "I don't … hate him per se, but he's the whole reason that I got into the mess I'm in now."

"How so?"

"He was the first guy I can say I ever felt anything for. It was back during that whole weird experimentation phase you get into at your age. I'd had a few girlfriends but none of them ever really interested me. They were a chore if nothing else. When I got involved with Saix, though, I felt different. Like … what I felt with him was right. It fit …"

"Were you … out?"

"Hell, no! Are you crazy? Not at **all**. It was one of those behind closed doors type relationships. We were always sneaking around everyone else to do something. But, looking back at it now, I see how naïve I was. I thought the situation was something completely different than what Saix intended it to be."

"One of those boys at band camp looking for his one a shot at experimentation, huh?"

"You … got it." Axel laughed darkly at Roxas, "He outed me to my father. It wasn't like I could deny it either. Saix had written proof. Notes I had written, letters, things of that sort…"

"How old were you?"

"Sixteen." Axel replied. "No older than you are now. I packed my stuff up within a week or so, boarded a bus at Port Authority and headed north. I had no sense of direction. I just wanted to get away from New York and I haven't looked back since. This is my first time returning in seven years."

"I thought you said you left when you were sixteen?"

"I was turning seventeen that year." Axel responded, "My birthday's in the middle of the summer."

"Ah." Roxas replied. "Axel?"

"Yeah?"

"When is your father's wake?"

"At five." Axel replied.

"Do you mind if I come with you?"

"…That's an odd request." Axel was a bit thrown off, "Can I ask, why?"

"I don't know." Roxas shrugged, "I just want to."

"Don't you have to get to your father? Isn't he expecting you?"

"Yeah, but that can wait." Roxas began, "You ...you seem like you could use a bit of support, that's all. You're walking back into a situation that seems pretty stressful to me. I just thought you might need someone there or something to take the edge off."

Axel laughed slightly at his response, "Kid, you just met me. How can you tell me what it seems like I need?"

Axel felt a subtle shift in the way Roxas was pressed against him, "Stop the bike." He snapped. His voice was completely devoid of any emotion. "I said. Stop this **bike****."**

"Wha—HEY, HEY, WOAH!"

Axel felt the weight of Roxas on his back all but disappear, Roxas's hands unlatch from his abdomen and quickly maneuvered them—while nearly getting hit by a truck—to the side of the road. Roxas barely waited for Axel to stop the bike before he hopped off the back, book bag slung over his shoulder and began walking along the highway's shoulder. Axel flipped up his visor, turned the bike off and began trailing after Roxas.

"Roxas! Roxas! _Roxas_! Wait a minute, slow the fuck down!" He caught up in front of the blond who had no intention of stopping and began walking backwards as he followed him, "What the fuck is your problem? Are you trying to get us killed!"

"Maybe I'll be successful next time. Now please, move out the way." Roxas replied, glancing at Axel without breaking his stride.

"Rox, cut it with the theatrics and stop this."

"That's Roxas, to you."

"What the fuck is your problem, kid?"

Roxas stopped walking so that he could look Axel squarely in the eye and leaned in, "You know, you're a fucking idiot, Axel. You keep saying that I'm so fucked up and that I need help and you're so concerned about my well being, despite the fact that you've barely known me for more than a day. But, the minute **I **want to show some sort of … I don't even know what to call it … you scoff, laugh at me and think it's **some big joke**."

"Rox—"

"No! I'm not fucking finished!" Roxas pointed at his chest, "What gives you that right, huh? You probably think just because you're older than me that I'm some frail fucking object that needs to be coddled and shit. That I'm so breakable because of all the fucked up shit I've done and been through, huh? The fucked up shit I've done to my body is just the beginning of it. You don't know anything about me."

"Rox, it's not like—"

"Don't tell me what it is and what it isn't!" Roxas jabbed at his chest again, "Fuck you, Axel. I knew I should have just stayed in the middle of that road in Winthrop. Hell of a lot better than being out here on some random ass highway shoulder, halfway to New York with some selfish prick who I barely met six hours ago!"

Roxas huffed, crossing his arms over his chest and turning away from Axel. Axel sighed, rubbing at his head and looked down at Roxas. "Roxas ... Rox? Come on, I'm sorry. Is that ... good?" Axel asked patiently.

"No." Roxas muttered.

"Yes?" Axel asked hopefully, crossing his arms over his chest.

Roxas looked up at him and frowned, "Maybe." He began, "But I meant what I said. Don't patronize me just because of all the shit I've told you." He sighed, "You know, I don't even know why I'm doing this right now. Like I said before, starving yourself does stupid shit to your brain. Makes you thing up all sorts of stupid shit … " He looked up at Axel, "This is pretty stupid what we're doing, isn't it?"

"Kind of." Axel replied, "But … I don't think I could have lived with myself if I left you there in the middle of the road like that. And it doesn't really matter because we're both headed for the same place, anyway. "

"Don't try to rationalize this, Axel. It's stupid." Roxas crossed his arms over his chest, "Really, for all I know, you could have been some crazy psycho murder looking to lure young, unsuspecting boys back into your parent's basement so you can chop up their bones and fry their insides."

"…Seriously, Roxas?"

"No, I'm just exaggerating." Roxas shrugged his shoulders, "But, you never know."

"So … are you okay, now?"

"Only if you promise to stop being so a jackass." Roxas replied.

"I'm not …" Axel saw Roxas starting to frown again and held up his hand in defeat. "Okay, okay, I'm a jackass."

Roxas stuck out his pinky and wiggled it at Axel, "Come on."

"You're not serious …"

"Axel."

"_All right_, all right. God." Axel walked toward Roxas and linked his pinky with Roxas and shook on it. "Remind me that this is the last time I pick up some random, rail thin kid who wants to commit suicide, off the side of the road."

-x-

_The darkness blurred at the edges, dissipating as the dawn swallowed everything whole and shattered all with a blinding light. Racing toward me like a man on fire, I tried to close my eyes and welcomed the abyss to pull apart my spine and swallow me whole. But, it never came. I was left, staring at the empty sky as it failed to break apart. It stayed whole for me that night. Red swarmed, consumed my eyes. It made me feel light, escape, salvation. It made me question my right to die. _

_6/6_

_9:25AM_

**what music used to be. w****hat luck used to be. w****hat art used to be**. **what you used to be.**


	2. Part II

x

**What New York Used To Be  
>[<strong>PART II**]**

x

**what the city used to be. what fun used to be. what dreaming used to be.**

_I would have to live if I were to find my heart._

_Lost as I was amongst a blaring supernova of colors, a cacophony of sound assaulted my mind. Everything that I touched became marred. It would burst in my hands and explode back in my face. Perhaps my perception of the world as I knew it was beginning to fade. I was at the precipice, about to fall face first into a greater unknown._

_6/6_

_11:34AM_

-x-

They finally caught sight of the city in the haze of a humid June afternoon.

Somewhere between where the highway ended in Connecticut and opened up to New York, Axel decided to floor it. With Roxas pressed tightly against Axel's back in encouragement, the two of them sped down I-95 at the same illegal speeds that Axel took his turns at. It was a miracle that they didn't get pulled over or smash into a concrete wall with the speed they were traveling at.

When the skyline of Manhattan came into view, Roxas excitedly pointed ahead and slapped on Axel's shoulder, telling him to go faster. It had been years since the kid had seen the city in person, but Axel had assured him that all the hustle and bustle of Manhattan was more than likely the same as it had been so many years ago. Nothing ever really changes in a city where you can lose yourself as much as you struggle to find yourself.

The pervasive smell of the rich intermingling with the poor assaulted Axel's memory the minute he glimpsed the 125th street sign hanging overhead. Welcome home, he thought somewhat bitterly. He glanced over his shoulder at Roxas after they had pulled up to a red light. "Excited?"

"It's so loud." Roxas commented, shifting uncomfortably in his hoodie, "And muggy."

"Welcome to New York in late spring. It only gets worse in the summertime." Axel muttered, "Roxas, where does your father live?"

"Uhh," Roxas leaned forward as he reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper, "West … 78th. Between Columbus and Amsterdam. Well?"

"You're ..." Axel's eyebrows rose in curiosity. "That's not too far off from where I used to live."

"Oh really?" Roxas asked, leaning forward in interest. "And where was that?"

"In that area. Right across the street from Central Park."

"You keep living up to that classic impression of a spoiled little rich boy, Axel." Roxas laughed.

"Hmm, not really. The East Side is known for being more uppity. I never paid attention to that dumb crap though. All of it is really stupid to begin with."

"Never cared about the money, huh?"

"Never." Axel shrugged as they came to another red light, "Felt like there was always more to life than being obsessed with green, you know?"

"Guess so. But it does make getting what you want easier. Material things, that is." Roxas mused, staring up at all the buildings that they passed by, "My family isn't rich per se, but we're pretty well off. Stepfather was a lawyer, go figure. My mother was involved with charity work." He yawned, "As for my biological father, well, not too sure what he does. But, I guess I'll find out soon, huh? My guess is that it probably involved a lot of money. My mother always was one of_ those_ types of woman."

"Gold digger?"

"Pretty much.

"Why am I not surprised?"

"I don't know. Why aren't you?" Roxas replied bemusedly as he leaned into Axel's backside again, "But, I don't have to worry about her anymore, right? I think I fucked things up enough. I'm satisfied." He leaned back on the bike again and held a hand to his stomach and frowned at the sounds it was making, "Axel?"

"Yeah?"

"…Can we get something to eat?" He began, a bit hesitant as if he were betraying his feelings, "I'm hungry."

"Sure, Rox." Axel nodded his head in encouragement, "What are you in the mood for?"

"Take me somewhere. There aren't limited anywhere's here, are there?" Roxas replied, leaning in against Axel's shoulder, "This is your city, isn't it?"

"Ha. You were born here too, weren't you?"

"I left before I even knew where I was." Roxas answered, rolling his eyes. "Come on, hotshot. Show me New York."

"Alright, alright," Axel began, "I'll take you to one of my favorite places. I'm sure we can find somewhere to eat there."

"Name?"

"More like an area of the city. St. Marks Place. It's in the East Village."

"And where are we now?"

"Harlem." Axel replied, "Which eventually opens up into more buildings, people and traffic as you get into the Upper East Side. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever."

"You're a horrible tour guide."

Axel shrugged dismissively and accelerated down the street once again. "There's really not much to say, Roxas. New York is one of those places that you need to explore rather than have someone tell you about it. I don't think there's anything I can tell you that you can't already figure out for yourself." He glanced over his shoulder as he cut off a taxi, "I think Hollywood tends to glorify this place too much, though. Maybe it's just me."

"Hm," Roxas glanced behind them, "I don't know about that, Axel, it seems pretty accurate to me. It's busy, crowded and loud for one thing." He jabbed his thumb in the direction of a bodega on the left side of the street. One man had just punched another out to settle a dispute outside the store. The people in the vicinity didn't seem to take a second glance, as if something like this happened all the time. "Rowdy occupants, too."

Axel rolled his eyes and laughed, "There's more to see than that."

"Oh?" His thought went unfinished as he gripped Axel tightly and cursed under his breath as the redhead sped up past some more yellow taxi cabs and cut them off. "Uh, hello? I thought we established that I don't want to kill myself anymore. Don't you think you're driving a little bit dangerously here?"

"Fuck the cabs." Axel replied, flipping off a cab driver that honked at him, "They think they own the damn streets as it is."

"Oooo, look at you. Mr. Big and Bad New Yorker." Roxas teased, grinning wildly. He turned around to see a cab passing by the two of them, "Think after I spend some time here I'll be just as big and bad as you?"

"Shut up, Roxas."

-x-

"Can I ask you about the stitches?"

"Hm?" Roxas asked, looking up from his menu.

"Back in the diner in Connecticut when you showed me your arms…" He gestured toward the top portions of his wrists, "You … uh … had stitches at the tops of your wrists. Can I ask you about them?"

"Oh," Roxas's eyebrows rose in question and then lowered considerably. He glanced away from Axel and began to shyly pull the sleeves of his hoodie over his wrists and bit his lip, "Suicide attempt. That was the last straw with my mother. I did it last Friday right after we got home from graduation."

"All of it?"

"Yeah. That was the same night my mother found us." Roxas frowned, "I went to graduation that morning and then we went out to eat. Complete waste of money seeing as I barely ate anything. Following that, we went home. She had to go to some long board meeting or something, so it was just me and my stepfather at home that night." He shrugged his shoulders dismissively, "When she came home, she found us fucking. Three hours later, I was in the emergency room, still wearing my mother's lingerie and getting my wrists sewn up."

"But … why?"

"Didn't I tell you before that I was looking for a way to end things? I meant end as in killing myself." Roxas said, picking his menu back up. "I figure she'd finally know what was going on with her husband and son and in the process, I could kill myself without any loose ends."

"How long were you and your stepfather …?"

"Fucking?" Roxas asked, looking back at him with sharp eyes, "A year and a half. After I turned sixteen was when I first got the thought in my head. I went into residential during the summer of that year and when I came back, we were right back at it. I think during the time I was gone, he must have figured something out."

Axel rapped his knuckles on the table, "Did she ever think to talk to you about any of this?"

"Nope. Not after the husband thing anyway." Roxas replied, shrugging. "You know, Axel, you amaze me."

"What'd I do now?" Axel asked, sighing.

"Nothing bad." Roxas said, shaking his head. He leaned forward, grabbing the edges of his hoodie with his fingers so that they covered his hands. "Just, I'm amazed that you haven't freaked out about all this stuff I've told you. I don't even know why I've told you half of the stuff I have."

"Starved brain?"

Roxas chuckled darkly, "Maybe. Or maybe I'm just seeing how far I can push you until you leave me alone in this big, old scary city. You know, when I do tell people … they always look at me like I'm some sort of diseased, sick fuck. Why is it that you don't? Kind of stuck on me, aren't you, Axel?"

It was Axel's turn to laugh now. "Wow, Roxas. You ... really do flatter yourself." He covered his face with his right hand and leaned back in his chair in disbelief, "And what if I am stuck on you? What are you going to do?"

Roxas shrugged, but couldn't hide his deceptive smile, "I could have you arrested, you know? I'm still a minor for half a year."

"Try it. I could turn you in for running away." Axel countered.

Roxas stared at him for a minute and then laughed gingerly, "You wouldn't. I think you have a soft spot for me underneath all that ridiculous leather and clown hair."

"Hmm, karma does play a role in this, yeah." Axel shrugged, "And I like you, kid. You're interesting despite being so fucked up. And you've got this spunk in you that I haven't seen in someone in awhile."

"Ew, I hate that word." Roxas frowned, scrunching up his nose, "Don't say that again."

"What? Spunk?" Axel asked and Roxas glared at him before turning to look back at his menu. The redhead chuckled slightly and shrugged, "But, going back to what you said, Roxas. Honestly, it's not my place to judge. You've got your reasons for doing things even if I don't understand it half the time."

"Did you get that off of an episode of Dr. Phil?"

Axel chuckled lowly, "Yeah, that did sound like crap." He sighed and lounged back in his chair, "Let's put it this way. You're messed up, yeah. But who isn't these days? Is my reacting with disgust or contempt for your problems really going to change anything? No. So, why should I? Got problems of my own that I need to deal with." He rapped his knuckles against the table again, "Everybody's always trying to figure shit out, you know?"

"So, what about you? What are your issues, Axel?" Roxas asked, curiously.

"I hate my father. My family wants nothing to do with me. I used to do drugs, drank excessively, fucked random dudes in dirty bathroom stalls." He waved his hand nonchalantly. "The usual."

"Lifetimeeee …"

"You and me both, kid." Axel replied, looking about the restaurant, "You and me …" His eyes narrowed in confusion as he caught a glimpse of someone that interested him. They immediately widened when he realized who it was.

"What?" Roxas asked, turning to focus on the direction Axel was looking in. He grinned when he saw the person Axel was looking at. "I knew you were into blondes! What about me? Do I pass?"

He turned back to look at Roxas and shook his head, "That's not it. Its—"

"AXEL!"

Axel flinched when he heard the loud and obtrusive voice coming over from the doorway of the restaurant. Axel turned back around and waved out hesitantly as the blonde tugged on the arm of a short man with darker hair and pointed in Axel's direction.

"Oooohh, so he knows you, huh?" Roxas murmured lowly, "This should be interesting."

"Axel Ramirez, is that **YOU**?" Loud Voice yelled as he began shuffling through the maze of irritated patrons. He stopped short of Axel and Roxas's table, the shorter man trailing behind him. He leaned in really close to Axel and pounded his fist on the table, "Holy fuck! It is _you_!"

"Demyx." Axel began, covering his face with his hand and sighing loudly.

"_Demyx_? **DEMYX**!" Demyx pulled out a seat and hurriedly sat down next to Axel. The shorter man he was with sat down in the chair next to Roxas, "That's all you have to say? SEVEN YEARS. HAVEN'T SEEN OR HEARD FROM YOU IN SEVEN _FUCKIN'_ YEARS AND THAT'S ALL YOU SAY TO ME?"

"Demyx." The shorter man reprimanded slightly.

"Right, right. I'll mind my manners and use my inside voice, Zexion." Demyx muttered. He began shaking Axel's shoulder, "What the **fuck** happened, man? I heard all sorts of shit about you after you left! Then I heard rumors that you were returning soon because … you know … the whole thing about your Pops and all. Sorry, man."

"Demyx—" Axel began, but he was cut off once again by the rambunctious blonde.

"No, wait, wait, wait, I'm not done. I'm coming tonight, too, just so you know. And so is Zex and Marx and … whatever! The whole gang is going to be there. Even that stupid fuck Saix said he'd be around to pay his respects." Demyx's nose twitched slightly at the thought, "But enough about that. Where have you been, man? You've fucking missed—where did you go? Seven years and no contact whatsoever! We thought you'd died or something!" He turned his attention to Roxas, "And who is this? Is he why you've been gone so long? Huhhhh? Talk to me, Axel! What is **up**?"

Roxas looked between Axel's look of vague irritation and Demyx's incessant pestering, "Wow. Just … wow." He set his menu down and leaned forward, "Does he _ever_ shut the fuck up?"

Axel sighed in irritation and shot Roxas a look that clearly meant for him to behave, "Demyx and Zexion. They're old friends." He turned to Demyx and then Zexion, "This is Roxas."

"Old friends." Demyx scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest, "Old friends alright. More like people you've known for your entire life, buddy!" He turned to look at Roxas, "And I heard that, kid!"

"Roxas." Roxas began, raising an eyebrow at Demyx who was squinting at him, "Not, kid."

"Enough." Zexion cut in, glancing up at Demyx who immediately straightened up and then toward Roxas who rolled his eyes. He turned to Axel who looked like he was silently thanking him and tilted his head to the side in curiosity, "Axel, you are going to be at the wake tonight, correct?"

"That would be the plan, Zex." Axel replied, leaning back languidly in his chair.

Zexion nodded, "Good. We will talk there then." He rose from his seat and looked pointedly at Demyx, "Don't you think you should apologize for your trouble at the very least?"

"What? WHY?" Demyx grumbled as he got to his feet and followed Zexion, "Do you know how long it's been since I've seen this guy right here? Since we've both seen him? You're acting like it was just yesterday—"

"Demyx."

"Fine, fine, fine." Demyx muttered. He turned to Axel and then to Roxas, "So—_rry_. There, happy?" He pouted, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Very well." Zexion nodded to Axel, "Axel, at any rate, I am glad to see that you're okay. You had us worried some years ago, but …"

"See! See, see, see! Even Zexion admits—"

"Demyx." Zexion snapped, to get the blonde to cease his antics.

Axel cracked a small smile at the two of them, "Seven years I've been gone and you're still on a leash, Demyx." His grin widened when he saw the way Zexion closed his eyes and sighed and Demyx's cheeks darkened, "I'll see you two tonight."

Demyx pointed at Axel, "Shut it." He glanced at Roxas, "And you're explaining him when we see you. Be prepared, Ramirez."

"Right." Axel rolled his eyes at Demyx and then waved to Zexion. When the two of them left, Axel sighed and massaged the skin over his eyes, "And it starts already."

"And they were?" Roxas asked, handing his menu to the waitress who came by to take their order.

Axel ordered a rum and coke before handing his menu off to the waitress, too. "You heard Demyx. People I grew up with. Literally spent my entire life."

"I'm taking it they don't know about your slumber parties with Saïx, do they?" Roxas asked, taking a sip of his water.

"Who's being the asshole now, Roxas?" Axel asked, narrowing his eyes at Roxas.

"Sorry. That was pretty bitchy." Roxas bit his lip, "But, really. What exactly happened when you left?"

"I told you." Axel snapped as the waitress delivered his rum and coke. He raised his eyebrows curiously when he saw her sit a white foamy drink down in front of Roxas. A vanilla milkshake. "Saïx showed my father … God, Roxas, I can't go into this now."

"Hey." Roxas frowned, "I told you my dirty laundry. Reciprocation, buddy. Spill."

Axel sighed, stirring his drink, "I'm pretty sure you can figure it out, Roxas."

"Hmmm, nude pictures?"

"Yeah."

"Really?" Roxas's eyes brightened. He could have sworn he saw Axel's cheek tint slightly at his next question, "Can I see them? How graphic were they? Full frontal? Artsy? Well?"

Axel sipped at his drink and rolled his eyes at Roxas, "What the hell is wrong with you? You're showing way too much interest in this whole thing."

"Just curious." Roxas answered, as he seemed to be eying his milkshake with a bit of trepidation.

"Too much for you?" Axel asked curiously.

"I can do it." Roxas snapped, narrowing his eyes in defensive. "Stop babying me."

"Never intended to." Axel replied. He cleared his throat. "Anyway, coupled with the letters and notes and all of that other crap, there were of course, the pictures. I'm not going into the specifics, but just know that they were enough get me kicked out."

"Do you have them?" Roxas asked, pulling the milkshake toward him.

"Yeah. When I left, he gave me a package of everything I had ever sent or given to Saïx." Axel answered, "At first, he ordered me to burn them. He said that … if I burned them I had a chance of being redeemed or something." He shrugged, "I chose not to and he told me to get out of his house. So, I left. I wasn't going to live a life where I knew that what I was doing or who I was was a lie."

Roxas wiped a bit of a whipped cream off the top of the shake and stared at it for a while, "Pretty stubborn, aren't you?"

"You're one to talk." Axel replied, setting his glass down, "Come on."

"I said I can do it." Roxas snapped, opening his mouth and licked the whipped cream off his straw. Axel noticed a glint of silver in the middle of his tongue.

"Tongue ring, huh?" Axel questioned.

"Yea, what of it?" Roxas asked, sticking his straw back into his drink.

"I had mine pierced when I was around your age. Took it out just last year." Axel shrugged, "Doesn't really do much for giving head, you know?"

"Wanna test that theory?" Roxas challenged, smiling slyly.

Axel nearly spit out his drink and coughed harshly when he saw Roxas swirling his milkshake around flirtatiously, "What the fuck, Roxas?" He wiped himself down with his napkin, "Wipe that smirk off your face, kid and don't even go _there_. You're underage."

"Oh?" Roxas asked, leaning forward, "But, I thought you liked blondes?"

"Roxas."

Roxas laughed loudly and leaned in to sip at his milkshake, "I'm kidding, Axel. Sheesh, calm down." He glanced up at the waitress nearing their table with his food. A BLT with fries on the side. He thanked her before she walked away and then shrugged his shoulders as he looked back up at Axel, "Or am I?"

"I don't know." Axel began, frowning. "You do lie, don't you?"

Roxas grinned, "Fast learner, I see." He pushed his milkshake to the side and glanced down at the food in front of him. He frowned briefly before arranging the food so that the BLT was on the left side of his plate and all of his fries were arranged in parallels on the right.

Axel raised an eyebrow in curiosity, "And what was that all about?"

"I can't eat it unless I've got it arranged in a certain way. ...It's one of the habits they try to get you to break in treatment, but as you can see, that really didn't work for me."

"Well, do whatever you have to do, I guess."

"What about you? Why didn't you order anything?"

Axel shrugged, "Not hungry."

"Nerves?" Roxas asked, fiddling with a french fry and then setting it back down on his plate.

"Something of that sort." Axel gestured toward his plate, "Just focus on eating."

"So," Roxas started, biting off the tip of a french fry and frowning slightly, "What are you going to do after this?"

"Well, I can show you around the city for a bit if you want. We've got some time to kill before the wake." Axel tapped his chin in thought.

"Why don't we go see your sister?"

"You mean Kairi?" Axel asked. He pulled out his phone to check the time, "It's still early. She's probably in school right now." He nodded toward Roxas, "And what about you? Have you been in contact with any of your family?"

Roxas shook his head as he poked about his plate, "My father thinks my mother's bringing me and she thinks he's picking me up at the bus. The great thing about having parents who are … well, they were never married to begin with …" He shrugged as he bit off another portion of the french fry he was playing with, "… Anyway, the great thing about having parents who don't speak to each other … is that you can pretty much tell them one thing without them needing to confirm it with the other."

"So neither of your parents have absolutely no idea as to where you are right now?" Axel finished his drink, "I thought you said you weren't a runaway."

"I didn't run away." Roxas sighed, "Well, I was going to. And then … well, I was going to find a way to kill myself or run away. It was one or the other." He nodded at Axel and picked up another french fry, "But, then you showed up and everything changed."

"So what now?" Axel asked, sighing.

"I still want to go with you to your father's wake."

"Which I still don't understand why."

"I told you before, Firetruck." Roxas replied, biting into another french fry. "I thought you might appreciate the company. And I like you. So, I want to stick around for a little bit more."

"Like me?" Axel asked, raising an eyebrow in curiosity.

"Yeah. You're strange like me." Roxas replied, "And I like that. We're like two freaks in a pod."

"Ha, I'm far from strange." Axel muttered, crossing his arms over his chest. "And I'm not a freak."

Roxas choked on his milkshake as he tried to stifle his laughter, "I won't even begin to counter where you're wrong on that one."

"Roxas. Be quiet and eat your damn food."

Roxas wasn't quiet but he ate his damn food. And Axel? Well, he would definitely take the latter over the former.

-x-

Roxas and Axel didn't do much in the time before Axel's father's wake. After they finished at the restaurant, Axel took Roxas around the city on his bike, pointing out various sites and giving the kid a general explanation of how New York worked. Roxas took it all in, muttering to Axel that it would take him awhile to get used to living in the city as opposed to his small suburban town back in Massachusetts. When it was nearing the late afternoon, they headed for the Upper West Side where the funeral home was.

"They're staring at you." Roxas whispered to Axel as he stood by his side before the casket of Axel's deceased father. He glanced over his shoulder at the people gathered behind them. Some of them were sitting, some standing, but all of them were whispering with quick furtive glances in Axel and Roxas's direction. Roxas turned his own nose up at the crowd and then looked up at Axel, "You think it's how we're dressed?"

Axel stifled his impulse to laugh darkly at the whole absurdity of the situation. Here he was with some runaway kid, in the middle of his father's wake, with all of his father's family and friends looking on at him like he was the plague. He glanced down at Roxas, "No, I think it's more than how we're dressed, Roxas."

"I think we look fine." Roxas said, holding his arms out for emphasis, "Grunge and punk. Funeral attire for the 21st century."

Axel ran a hand through his hair and sighed, "Maybe bringing you here was a good idea after all." He glanced down at the blonde at his side, "You keep the situation light, that's for sure."

"Come on, Axel. Let's whisper, turn up our noses and glance at them, too." Roxas elbowed him gently, a devilish grin appearing on his face, "You know you want to."

Axel shook his head, "As much as I want to, I'd rather not, Roxas."

"Fine." Roxas began. He looked down at Axel's father and crossed his arms over his chest. "So this is him, huh?"

"Yeah."

"So, uh, I know he's dead and everything, but you really don't look like him." Roxas glanced at Axel and then at the body before him again. "I take it you look more like your mom?"

"Yeah. I had his eyes though." Axel noted with dismay. His eyes roamed his father's body before glancing down at Roxas at his side, "You think that's enough?"

"Huh?"

"I mean that we've been standing here for awhile." Axel replied, "Let's go sit down somewhere."

"Okay, but only if we can whisper and glance at people nastily." Roxas said, as he turned to follow Axel out of the viewing room.

As Axel walked into the hall and disappeared around the corner, Roxas paused by the archway to glance over his shoulder at the people watching them as they left. He turned up his nose, flipped off the people who were watching him and then followed after Axel again. Axel, seemingly oblivious to Roxas's little display in the room, was more preoccupied with other things. Where were Demyx and Zexion? Furthermore, where was Kairi? He wanted to see his little sister already.

Axel turned around to look for Roxas and raised an eyebrow when he saw the mischievous smile on Roxas's face, "What did you just do?"

"Nothing." Roxas answered innocently, "So, we saw your father, right? That's one thing to check off on our to do list. What's next?"

Axel glanced over his shoulder and nodded his head to the left, "Finding Kairi and then Zexion and Demyx."

"Shouldn't you find those two first?"

"Or they'll find me for one." Axel turned around to see Zexion and Demyx cutting the corner. The two of them were being trailed by a pink haired man and a blonde female.

Demyx rushed toward where Axel and Roxas were standing as he waved at them from afar. Zexion trailed behind him and the blonde woman who was walking beside the pink haired man did a double take before mumbling, 'no fucking way', under her breath. She pushed Zexion out of the way and literally stomped her way over to where Axel was with Roxas. The pink haired man raised his eyebrows in curiosity and Zexion remained as calm as he had been earlier on in the day.

They eventually moved away from the hallway they were standing in to a private sitting room not too far away from where they had been. Roxas took a back seat and watched the whole … 'reunion' … play out. Axel was somewhat uninterested with the whole thing, but otherwise, seemed to be okay with it.

"Heard a lot of things about you, Firecrotch." Larxene crossed her legs, bouncing one on top of the other, "Lots of in—te—re—sting things. Wanna divulge?"

"Larxene." Demyx twisted up his nose as he turned to look at her, "This isn't an interrogation."

"Oh shut up, Merboy. You know just as well as I do what this is." Larxene stated, as she crossed her arms over her chest, "We've all heard the story, just so you know. I think the evidence is written all over Saïx's little pretty face."

Axel shrugged dismissively, "Does it really matter?"

"I think it's hilarious." Larxene's insane smile increased. "Have you seen Saïx's face? I heard he didn't want to press charges because he didn't want his whole little _experiementation _with you to come into light."

"Larxene." Zexion chided. He folded his hands together and looked at Axel, "Axel, now that you've come back there might be certain issues that need addressing."

"Yeah." Demyx spoke up, "We just thought that we should give you a heads up first before you get … into it, you know?"

"Like?" Axel asked.

"Your sister, Kairi." Zexion replied, "I've heard relatives of yours talking about taking her in. But, being that you are her brother, I doubt that you would let that happen."

"Yeah," Axel muttered, "They'd probably take Kairi and I'd never see her again."

"Precisely." Zexion nodded his head.

"Anything else that I should know?" Axel asked.

"Saïx is here if you're looking for a fight." Marluxia muttered, encouragingly.

"What's wrong with the two of you?" Demyx whined, straightening up on the chair arm he was sitting on, "Hasn't there been enough violence already?"

"Oh, shut up, Demyx." Marluxia rolled his eyes.

"Okay, excuse me? Yea. Hi. Mind if I interject here?" Roxas spoke up now, seemingly annoyed with the way the conversation was going. He was currently laid out across a seat with his legs hanging over one of the chair's arms and his arms stretched above his head, "You consider these people to be your friends, Axel?"

"And who's this runt?" Larxene questioned, gesturing to Roxas.

"Roxas." Roxas spoke up as he sat up in his seat, "Not that I really care who the rest of you are." He glanced toward Axel who seemed to be slightly amused by how Roxas had interjected his way into the conversation, "No one here is really saying anything of importance, and only seem to be repeating what you already know. Shouldn't you be looking for your sister right about now?"

Axel paused and then got to his feet at the thought of Roxas's suggestion. He turned to Zexion, "Where is she?"

"She was with two boys, didn't quite catch their names." Zexion replied. "Check the main hall."

"Right." Axel turned to Roxas, "Let's go."

"Woah, woah, woah. Hold up!" Demyx scrambled to his feet, trailing after Roxas and Axel who were already heading for the door. The door closed behind Axel and Roxas and then burst open a few seconds later as Demyx came out right behind them. "_Axel._"

Axel paused and Roxas looked up at him curiously, "Give me a minute?" Roxas shrugged dismissively and walked down the hall and took a seat in a chair by another door. Axel turned around to face Demyx with his arms over his chest, "Demyx, make it quick."

Demyx sighed, "I thought we could …" He looked down and fiddled with his hands, "… Look, Axel. I don't know what's going on with you, but I heard what happened with you and Saïx. It was wrong of him to do what he did but … "

"What are you trying to get at, Demyx?"

"Don't let that be a driving force for you to keep running away … or doing whatever it is that you do." Demyx said, looking up at Axel. "What I mean to say is… I know your primary goal is to be here for Kairi but … don't shut everything out in the process either, please? I'm not asking you to stay in New York for our sake, but don't be in such a rush to get away from here as soon as you've come back."

"Is that all?"

"Well, pretty much." Demyx shrugged at him, "Aside from everything else, I'm glad we got to see you again. Even if it's not under the most ideal of circumstances. It's better seeing you like this than wondering where you are everyday." He nodded, "See you around, Axel. And remember, just because this placed turned into hell seven years ago doesn't me that it has to hold the same for you today."

Axel nodded silently at Demyx, murmured a word of thanks and then turned back in the direction of where Axel was sitting down. Roxas rose when he saw Axel walking his way and followed the redhead in the direction the main hall.

"What was that all about?" Roxas asked.

Axel shrugged, "Nothing. Let's go find Kairi."

-x-

She was the spitting image of their mother. Auburn hair with bright blue, near violet eyes. She was swathed in white from head to toe and petite just like Axel had imagined. Not yet a young woman, but stuck somewhere in the awkward middle phase of child and adult. Her eyes lit up when she saw Axel coming through the heavy mahogany doors with Roxas following closely behind him.

"Axel!" Kairi instantly jumped out of her seat and rushed over to Axel. Her arms extended, she wrapped herself around her brother and buried her face in his chest, "You came."

"Yeah," Axel placed a hand on top of his sister's head and rubbed it affectionately, "I did."

She looked up at him with bright eyes and then turned to look at Roxas at his side, "Oh … and he is …?"

"Roxas." Roxas replied, glancing at the way Kairi refused to relinquish Axel from her grip.

"Ro—xas." Kairi repeated, testing his name out on her tongue. "I'm Kairi." She nodded in approval toward Roxas and then turned to look at Axel. "I'm so glad you're here. I was getting worried that you weren't going to come. But, I ran into your friends earlier … Demyx … and them. They said they saw you down in the East Village earlier today and I was … I was …" She took a deep breath and removed her arms from around Axel, "I'm just really happy you're here."

Axel merely smiled slightly at his little sister, unsure of what to say. "You've … grown."

"Of course, silly!" Kairi swayed to one side, her hands on her hips. She glanced over her shoulder, "Oh, come over here, you two!" Two boys arose from the couch Kairi had been sitting on and made their way over to where Axel, Roxas and Kairi had been standing. "Axel and Roxas, Sora and Riku." She gestured to the short chestnut haired boy at her left and then toward the taller one on her right. A wordless mutual acknowledgement seemed to pass between all five of them.

"So this is Axel!" Sora stated giddily, "He's tall."

"Sora," Kairi waved a hand at her friend and laughed, "…Well, did you see him?"

"Yeah," Axel replied, sticking his hands into his pockets.

"Everyone's making such a big fuss ..." She bit her lip, glanced at Sora and Riku and then back up at Axel. "Axel? Do you want to leave?"

"Now? Isn't there anything you have to stay behind for?"

Kairi shook her head, "The …adults are taking care of everything." She gestured toward the two boys standing at her sides, "Sora, Riku and I were thinking about leaving soon, actually. I don't want to be here. I don't like the vibes I'm getting from this place."

"So what do you want to do?" Axel asked.

Kairi looked up at him and perked up, "Let's go to dinner." She turned to look at Roxas, "Of course, Roxas, you can join us, too. Any friend of my brother's is a friend of mine."

"We're not exactly—" Axel began, but Roxas cut him off.

"Thanks, Kairi." Roxas replied, giving Axel a sideways look. "But, I really have to be getting home soon."

"Oh?" Kairi asked, a little disappointed, "Well … in that case, why don't we just go home? Would that be okay, Roxas? Axel? I promise we won't keep you long."

Axel nodded in agreement with Roxas and then turned to his little sister, "We'll stay for a few."

"Great!" Kairi linked her arms with Sora and Riku and tugged them in the direction leading out of the funeral home, "Let's go."

-x-

"This place just screams money." Roxas observed. He dropped his book bag down on one of the pristine cream colored couches in the living room and made his way over to the ceiling to floor windows that littered the entire expanse of the of the room. He turned around to look at Axel, "Seriously, though? I'm impressed you were able to leave all of this behind without so much as a second thought."

Axel shrugged as he walked over to where Roxas was standing and crossed his arms over his chest. The sun was beginning to set, sending cascading colors of gold, orange and fire red into the sky. He shook his head and laughed sardonically, "It was easier than you think." He glanced over his shoulder as the elevator chimed and Kairi, Sora and Riku came out.

Kairi said something to the two of them and fanned them off into the direction of the kitchen. She paused briefly, smiled at Axel and then walked over to where the two of them were standing. "Enjoying the view you two?"

Axel shrugged, "Something like that."

"Hmm, I see." Kairi glanced at Roxas and Axel, "Are you two hungry? Sora and Riku are calling out for pizza right about now. But, if you two want something different, we can order whatever you like."

Roxas looked up at Axel and then Kairi and started to move away from the two of them, seemingly taking Kairi up on her offer. Axel watched Roxas head for the kitchen and then turned his attention back to Kairi who seemed to be looking at him expectantly. "Well …"

"Axel. Let's sit." Kairi grabbed her brother's hand and pulled him in the direction of one of the cream colored couches so they could sit. She sat down beside him and smiled, "I didn't think you had gotten any of my calls. You never responded."

"I did …" Axel began, "I just didn't know what to say half the time."

"Didn't know what to say?" Kairi asked, crossing her legs, "You could have called me just to let me know that you were okay … or to let me know that you'd gotten my messages at the very least. For six months, I went on wondering if all my attempts to reach you were in vain. But, you're here now at least. So, that's good, I guess."

"Yeah, it is."

"Axel." Kairi began, her violet eyes full of curiosity, "Why did you leave?"

"Do you remember that day at all, Kairi?"

"I remember Aqua brought me home from school that afternoon and you were in dad's study for the longest time. Aqua tried to distract me in the best way that she could, but my attention was on you and dad. His yelling was so loud, I kept wondering what you could have done to make him so mad." Kairi began. She held out her hands, "I had a picture I wanted to show you. I had done it in art that afternoon. It was … this is kind of silly … but it was a macaroni picture of me and you. But, I was so proud when I was finished with it. I told everyone in my class that I was going to give it to my older brother when I got home."

Axel smiled slightly at the way Kairi began to reminisce, "Do you still have it?"

"Yeah, it's boxed up in your old room. When you left, dad turned that room into a storage room of sorts. All of your old stuff is still boxed up in there, you know?" Kairi began, "Anyway, I'll never forget you coming out of his study with this dazed look on your face. I tried to get your attention, but all you did was walk by me, ruffle my hair gently as you always did and close your bedroom door. A few days later you were kissing me goodbye and telling me to be a good girl and grow up right." She looked up at Axel curiously, "Do you remember any of this?"

"All of it is a blur to tell you the truth." Axel replied, "Do you know why I left, Kairi?"

"…I heard the adults talking about some things when I was little." Kairi said, fidgeting with her hands, "Dad tried to keep it quiet, but you know how things spread in our circle." She looked up at Axel, "They said something was wrong with you mentally. That you weren't normal … that there was something about you that had to be fixed. As I got a little bit older, I think I began to figure things out."

"And?"

A frown crossed Kairi's delicate features, "It's not right, Axel. There's nothing wrong with the way you are. And it's cruel to think that dad would kick you out of the house because of it." She bit her lip, "It doesn't matter to me if you're gay or not. You're still my brother. And I hate that he forbid you to have contact with me, with us, just because he couldn't see you as a son first."

"Kairi …" Axel began, leaning back into his chair. He sighed loudly, "I'm sorry for being away for so long. And, I'm sorry I left without explaining why. But, you were too little to understand back then." Axel turned to his little sister, "You have to understand. It was either I continue to live here and all of this was going to get swept under the rug… or I leave. Simple as that. I chose the other action."

"But, why?"

"I wasn't going to sacrifice who I was for the sake of a lie." Axel said.

"You always were stubborn." Kairi smiled.

"You are too, I bet. We get it from mom." Axel began, tapping the couch in thought, "Thing of it is, Kairi. I stayed away for so long because after awhile that was normal for me. I went out into the world and forgot about my life back here in New York. I fought with myself a lot in the years that I left, but I'm done with that now." He turned to her, "I want to know. Do you want me to stay in New York?"

"Is that why you came back?"

"Well … yeah. Aside from paying my respects, I'm mainly here for you." Axel said, turning around fully to face his little sister, "I'll stay here if you want me to. Just so you know… I plan on becoming your legal guardian. I don't care about how long or what it takes. I refuse to let anyone else claim you."

"Really?" Kairi asked, her eyes lighting up, "Our entire family is fighting over me, you know? Aqua was talking about taking me in herself but … now that you're here…" She clasped her hands excitedly, "You'll really stay in New York, Axel?"

"If it's what you want." He said, "I don't plan on leaving here without you, though."

"Where do you live now?" Kairi asked. "I mean, you do have a life outside of New York, don't you? I don't want to interfere with that."

Axel shook his head, "Don't worry, dad's been … supporting me all these years. I've got a house up in Connecticut but I never stay there for long. I'm usually on the road far more than I am stationary to tell you the truth, Kairi."

"Oh, cool!" Kairi clasped her hands excitedly, "That would explain the motorcycle, then!"

Axel chuckled at his sister's excitement, "Not exactly, Kairi." He checked the clock hanging overhead, "At any rate, it's getting late. Don't you have school in the morning?"

Kairi shook her head, "I'm taking off until Wednesday. Oh, and, Aqua is looking after me in the meantime. She should be here soon." She brushed her hand on her dress and fluffed it out a bit, "I trust her more so than I do the rest of our family, so …"

"You haven't had … any trouble with them, have you?" Axel asked, a bit concerned with the way Kairi was avoiding his gaze.

"No, I just don't like the way they do things." Kairi said, "Which is why I wanted to leave the wake when you showed up. Don't get me wrong, dad's death is … still weighing heavily on my mind, but I don't want to spend my time being sad. I want to … come to terms with it without so many people trying to pull me in the direction they want to take me in. You understand, don't you?"

"All too well." Axel said, "Kairi, I'll stay here for as long as you need me to. I promise that."

"So you'll come to the funeral?"

"If that's what it comes to, then, yes." Axel replied, albeit a little hesitant.

It was never in Axel's original plans to stay in New York for too long, but one look at Kairi and he realized that he had to stand by his little sister. He didn't know the first thing about raising a teenage girl, but he figured he had been a teenager not too long ago himself. It couldn't have been much different, could it? And besides, his sister wanted him to stay and he couldn't refuse that request no matter what he had originally intended.

Kairi smiled and lunged forward to squeeze her brother tightly, "Thank you, Axel. Thank you, so much." She pulled away from him, wiping the tears brewing at the corner of her eyes. "I know this is really abrupt and strange, considering you haven't been back here in so long, but …" She shook him gently, "… Just, thank you. I'll decide what I want to do. School ends in about a week or so … I promise we'll figure all of this out soon. Just give me a little bit of time, please."

Axel nodded and rose from the couch, "Take your time."

"I will …" Kairi nodded, wiping at her eyes again. "Oh, and Axel …?"

"Hm?"

"Who's Roxas?"

Axel paused and then laughed briefly, "Do you want to know the truth?"

"I would prefer it." Kairi replied.

He glanced in the direction of the kitchen, "Well, he's some kid I found lying in the middle of the road. He was trying to kill himself but it seems that now I'm on some sort of mission to convince him to do otherwise."

Kairi was silent for a minute, blinked in confusion and then looked back up at her brother, "…Really? I thought he did look a bit sickly. Is he okay? What are you going to do with him?"

"Drop him off at his old man's house." Axel replied, glancing at the clock. "Right now, actually."

"Oh. Well." Kairi got to her feet, "You can go drop him off and come back. Sora and Riku are going to stay with me until Aqua gets back."

"How is she by the way?" Axel asked, looking down at Kairi as they started walking in the direction of the kitchen.

"Aqua?" Kairi asked, "She's good. She owns a couple of clothing boutiques down in SoHo now."

"Really?" Axel asked, "How old is she now?"

Kairi giggled, "Early 30s. I can't tell you how old. Despite how gentle she is, she'll ring my neck." As they neared the kitchen, Kairi laughed when she saw Riku and Roxas engaged in an arm wrestling match with Sora massaging his arm not too far from them. "What are you three doing?"

"Arm wrestling," Sora groaned, "That hurt Riku!"

"Your arms are too scrawny." Riku muttered, not even bothering to look at Sora as his eyes locked with Roxas's.

"Did you order the pizza?" Kairi asked, sitting down next to Sora.

"Yeah." Roxas answered, tightening his hold on Riku's hand.

The two of them gripped the table with their free hand and set about with their match. Roxas kept eye contact with Riku the entire time, as Riku did the same through his silvery bangs. Kairi sighed, murmuring something about boys and their meat head competitions for male dominance while Axel watched with amusement from the entryway to the kitchen. A few seconds later, Riku was looking down at his arm being pinned down to the table by Roxas's and raised an eyebrow in vague interest.

"Hm, good match." Riku muttered, shaking out his hand while Roxas rubbed at his own.

"Yeah," Roxas began. He turned to Axel, "Are you ready?"

"Yeah, I'll take you home now." He nodded behind him.

"Wait a minute!" Kairi began, standing up, "You two can at least wait for the pizza to get here."

Roxas looked at Axel as if wordlessly telling him to take control of the situation. Axel nodded as the kid passed by him on his way to get his bag from out of the living room. "I should really be getting him home, Kairi." He looked at her pointedly as if to remind her of their earlier conversation.

"Well, okay…" Kairi began. "Be safe you two. Roxas! It was nice meeting you!"

"Likewise." Roxas replied as he came into view again. He waved to Sora and Riku and disappeared onto the elevator. "Axel."

"Yeah, yeah." Axel said, ruffling Kairi's hair. "I'll be back in a few." He called out and boarded the elevator after Roxas.

-x-

The two of them were a few steps out of Axel's apartment when Roxas had asked them if they could take a walk before Axel dropped him off at his father's house. They eventually made their way to Central Park, the city lights acting as their guide as they walked with no purpose or direction. They found a wide expanse of grass not too far in, sprawled out side by side and laid down to stare up at the city sky.

"Well this sucks. You can't even see the fucking stars." Roxas complained, gesturing toward the sky.

Axel chuckled lowly, "It's called light pollution and you might as well get used to it."

"It sucks is what it is." Roxas sighed, closing his eyes. "You can actually see stars in Massachusetts."

"Yeah, well, you get used to it." Axel replied, "The city lights are bright enough to impersonate stars."

"Right." Roxas replied incredulously. "How'd the talk go with your sister?"

"Her old baby sitter … nanny … whatever you want to call her, Aqua, is staying with her until all of this gets sorted out. As for me, I'm going to stay in New York for awhile to look after her myself." Axel glanced at Roxas, "She seems to be holding up all right though. I don't think my father's death has left her as shaken as people might think."

"So … you're gonna stay in New York, huh?"

"For maybe the next month or so. Actually, I can't put an actual time limit on how long I'm probably staying here. The whole thing with getting guardianship over my sister might take some time. And besides, I won't be her guardian for long. She'll be eighteen in about three years." Axel shrugged, "She said herself that she wants to stay with me though, so that should help things. She doesn't want to be with anyone else but me, regardless of how long I've been gone."

"Well, you are her brother." Roxas stated, "Doesn't take a genius to figure out that one."

Axel shrugged, "Even so, that doesn't guarantee that she'd want me to stay with me. I have been gone for a long time, you know? I could be a stranger to her at this point."

"True." Roxas replied. "Does she know about everything regarding why you left?"

"I cleared some things up for her. I didn't really go into details but she knows why my father kicked me out all those years ago." Axel reached a hand up in the sky, making nonsensical shapes in the air, "She said she accepts me for who and what I am."

"That's good then." Roxas sighed and turned to look up at Axel, "Axel?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think I have a chance?"

"At what?" Axel asked, turning to look at Roxas.

"Life." Roxas answered. He rolled down the sleeves to hoodie and stuck his arms out in front of him. He glanced at his right and then at his left, "Do you think I have a life beyond this? Will I regret what I've done to myself years down the line? Will I look back on it in a couple of years and curse myself for how stupid I was as a teenager?"

Axel dropped his arm to his side again and shrugged his shoulders, "Yeah. Probably. I know I did." He turned away from Roxas and looked at the sky, "But think of it this way. How old are you? Seventeen, right? When I got out of New York, I was sneaking into dive bars, sleeping with random guys I'd picked up in the seediest places you can imagine and snorting whatever I could put up my nose." Axel stifled a yawn with the back of his hand, "I look back at that stuff and half of it I regret, but I figure you can't really grow up if you don't know the dark side of the world … can you?"

"So are you saying that fucking around with my step father is somewhat validated?"

"Not in the least." Axel shook his head vehemently, "But I don't blame you for that one. As sick as it is, I understand where it stems from … and no one should ever go through what you went through. But, Rox, it doesn't mean you have to stay like this. All the stuff that seemed so harsh and fucked up now is going to pale in comparison to the places that lie beyond all of this."

"Okay, Dr. Phil."

"I'm serious." Axel said, "For the last two and a half … near three years, I've been running all over the place trying to find something to fill this hole I've got in my core. I don't feel anything anymore. I feel like I'm forcing myself to feel something half the time."

"You mean like forcing yourself to feel alive?" Roxas questioned.

"Yeah." Axel said, "I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life. I don't know what I'm doing with myself half the time. I'm not really passionate about anything."

"Think you're hitting your quarter life crisis a little too early, Axel?"

"Shut up, Roxas." Axel turned to look at Roxas and frowned, "You know, the next time you ask me for my advice on something, I'm just going to give you some half assed answer and let you interpret it however you want."

"Isn't that what you always do?"

"How long for you known me? A day?"

"More like fifteen or so hours." Roxas commented. He frowned, sitting up in the darkness, "Sorry, we made a no-acting-like-a-jackass pact back there on the highway, right? Guess that applies to me too, doesn't it."

Axel shrugged, "You're a teenager. Moody outbursts with biting remarks are all the rage at your age." He looked up at Roxas's backside, "So I have a question for you, Rox."

"What?"

"Are you gay?"

Roxas turned around to look at Axel, eyebrow raised, "Why?"

"Just curious." Axel replied, closing his eyes and knocking his feet together.

Roxas turned away from Axel and shook his head, "Not explicitly. I've been known to straddle the fence. I've been with more men than women if that clarifies anything."

"Confused?"

"I'm _not_ confused." Roxas snapped, "I don't get caught up in labels. I do what I want, I feel what I feel and I don't think of the repercussions of my actions. Haven't you figured this out by now?"

"Mmm, yeah." Axel replied, "It would explain the whole bringing you with me to New York thing."

"If I remember correctly, you asked me to get on the bike because you didn't want me to kill myself."

"Yes, but you willingly obliged, did you not?" Axel asked, raising one of his eyebrows in question.

"Yeah, yeah." Roxas replied. "Hey Axel?"

"Yes?"

"Will I see you after this?"

"I …" Axel paused, "I… don't think your father would take too kindly to you hanging out with someone my age and you're barely legal, Rox."

"Oh, come on." Roxas began, turning around to look at Axel, "I'll be 18 by next winter. And what's the big deal? You're only 23."

"_24_." Axel corrected him. "I'll be 24 by the end of next month."

"Half a year, Axel." Roxas looked away from him again and turned his head up to the stars, "Not that bad. And, what if my age wasn't an issue? Other than that, could I still see you?"

"I don't stay around long enough for that to typically happen." Axel replied.

"But you're going to be looking after your little sister now." Roxas reminded him.

"Yeah, but who's to say that I'm going to stay around in New York while I'm doing that?"

Roxas didn't reply straight away as he was lost in his thoughts momentarily. Finally, when he did speak, it sounded like he had reached an epiphany of sorts. "You keep running because you never have a reason to stop otherwise…"

Axel didn't respond and Roxas went quiet as he left his thought unfinished. He turned around to look at Axel. His blue eyes bore into him, low and curious as he were searching Axel for something. Slowly he turned his entire body around and edged his way over to where Axel was lying in the grass. Axel observed him silently, waiting to see what the teenager was going to do. It didn't surprise him any when Roxas leaned down and pressed a short, chaste kiss on his lips.

"No one has ever given you a reason to stop." Roxas began as he pulled away. His face was still close, but enough for both of them to have breathing room. "Just like no one has ever given me a reason … to stop."

"Roxas?"

"No one ever gave me a reason to stop." Roxas repeated to himself again. He looked down at Axel and shook his head, "I went to residential and they just … they tried to fix my eating disorder because it would kill me. But, that … that wasn't a reason for me to stop. They told me that people would worry about me. But, that wasn't a reason for me to stop. I had to stop because I wanted to. Not because anyone else wanted me to. I needed to do it for myself. But, that wasn't going to happen anytime soon with the situation I was in."

"Roxas, what are you getting at?"

"I'm telling you … I'm saying that the both of us. We have to stop, Axel." Roxas leaned down, "We … all we know is how to go. We don't know what it is to stop and slow down. We think we're harming others, but we're really just killing ourselves. I'm doing it physically, while you're doing it mentally."

Axel stared up at the boy hovering over him and looked at him hard, "I'm … not …"

"Axel. Please." Roxas began, "I know we just met and that this is crazy, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out what you're doing to yourself. You haven't seen your family in years; essentially, you've been running away from them. But then something happens and now you're grounded, but I bet your mind is screaming that you have to leave at the same time."

Axel closed his eyes and sighed, "What about you, Roxas? You fucked things up with your family as a way to fuck with your mother. Aren't you running away just as I am?"

"Axel, that's my point." Roxas said, "I'm going to stay here in New York because … because I need to. I have to stop. All of this has to stop and I need a new start." His eyes bore his desperation, "I need to stop the need to always be in motion all the time. I need to stop for a little while … stop and look at … look at the sky or something. I don't know. Just stop and let myself float for a little while."

Axel could feel a small hand on the right side of his face and he sighed.

"Axel, you're the only person that I've met that understands where I'm coming from, even though I know you won't admit it. My therapists didn't understand it, my family didn't understand it … and I know those people I called my_ friends_ surely didn't understand it." Roxas began again as he leaned low, "But you … you've never freaked out about anything I've talked about during the entire day. You were always listening … and you always seemed to tell me not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear."

"It was just …" Axel found himself fumbling over his words as the hand on his cheek refused to stop stroking the same spot under his right eye over and over again. "… I don't know why I did it, Roxas. I felt like I had to."

"Do you see yourself in me?"

"To some extent, yes." Axel replied, "Not wholly, but some parts, yes."

"Then … then you know what I'm saying makes sense, even if it's not really coming out like I want it to." Roxas leaned in closer, "Can I kiss you again?"

"Do you want me to go to jail?" Axel asked, shifting uncomfortably under Roxas's gaze. "And why are you asking now? You seemed to go straight in the first time."

"I know, but I kind of caught you off guard the last time, didn't I?" Roxas replied sheepishly, "And did you know, the age of consent in New York is 17?"

"You still aren't fully legal." Axel countered, closing his eyes.

He felt Roxas's hands on his face as the boy leaned in and captured his lips once again. This kiss was harder and longer than the first, but still held a hint of shyness. When Roxas pulled away from Axel, he licked his lips and glanced around him.

"You ever have a minute where you wished time would stop?"

"Not in a long time." Axel whispered, "When I was a teenager. Right before I left. I felt like nothing could touch me, everything seemed to be going perfectly."

"Well …" Roxas leaned forward, "What about now?"

Axel felt a smirk pulling at the corner of his lips, "…Hm, maybe."

"Just maybe?" Roxas asked, leaning down to kiss Axel's cheek.

"Let me ask you a question first. You were flirting with me in the restaurant, weren't you?"

"Didn't think you would catch on." Roxas replied, moving away from Axel's cheek, "I don't think I was as serious back then as I am now, though."

"I thought so." Axel chuckled a bit to himself, "You really are like a devil in the night, Roxas. You almost killed me early this morning and now look at you trying to get into my pants."

"I know." Roxas replied, grinning maniacally, "Now, close your eyes and hush up so I can work my demonic magic on you."

-x-

"You seem to be a little _unsteady_ on those legs of yours, Firetruck." Roxas teased, as Axel braced himself against a fence post for what seemed to be the third time since they left the park. "You okay? Need to take a break? I'm in no rush."

"I'm **fine**." Axel snapped, frowning at Roxas as he pushed himself off the fence.

"Oh, I'm sure you are." Roxas began slyly, taking a moment to stop so he could look at Axel. "I'm also pretty sure those sounds you were making not too long ago indicate that you were _more_ than fine. How was the tongue ring, Axel? Still think I should take it out?"

Axel covered his hand with his face as he walked by Roxas and groaned inwardly, "I really should have said to hell with karma and left you in Massachusetts. You're too much for one person, Roxas."

"Well, we didn't go that far because someone wouldn't let me." Roxas began as he started to follow Axel again, "Maybe next time?"

Axel peered down at Roxas as they came to a street corner, "I already told you, I'm not doing anything else with you until you're eighteen." He lifted Roxas's arm and squeezed it gently, "And you get some meat on your bones."

"Are blowjobs included in this anything?" Roxas asked.

Axel looked pointedly at him but didn't say anything as they crossed the final block leading to Roxas's father's house. He turned to Roxas and pointed down the street, "If I'm right, your father's house should be somewhere down here. You ready?"

"Yeah." Roxas nodded, and then turned to look up at Axel, "What about you?"

"I'll be fine, Rox." Axel replied. "You have my number, don't you?"

"Yes. And likewise, do you have mine?" Roxas asked, eyes lowering to Axel's crotch, "Not like you could forget me if you tried, huh?"

Axel rolled his eyes at Roxas, "My eyes are up here, kid."

"Yeah, yeah." Roxas huffed, looking up at Axel again.

"What are you going to tell your father when he asks where you've been?"

"A variant of where I've been." Roxas began, "I'm going to try something different and stop telling lies all the time."

"So?"

"I'll tell him something like I hitchhiked my way here and got lost in the city or something." Roxas mused, pressing a few fingers to his chin. His eyes glinted dangerously, "And I'll make _sure_ to omit all the details about a certain 23 year old with fire truck engine red hair, a motorcycle and our 24 hour whirlwind romance. I'll take extra special care to leave out what happened with the two of us in Central Park, especially."

"_Roxas_."

"What?" Roxas asked innocently, "You should be proud to know that I'm going to stop lying, Axel. What happened to your encouragement for my recovery from earlier today?"

"That's not … it, ugh …" Axel crossed his arms.

"I'd also like you to know that you're not getting rid of me." Roxas began, "If you run away again, I will find you."

"Is that a threat?" Axel asked, bemusedly.

"It sure as hell is." Roxas said, confidently. "You should also know that while you're in New York, I intend to conveniently run into you whenever possible."

Axel cracked a small smile at Roxas, "I guess I'll intend to do the same."

"Glad we're in agreement here."

"Hm," Axel ruffled Roxas's hair and turned the kid around. He gave him a soft push on the small of his back, "Go on, I'll be right here."

Roxas waved him away and was on his way down the street. Axel watched him from the end of the block as Roxas hesitantly knocked on the door to his father's house and waited for someone to answer. The door opened up shortly and a short blonde girl stepped out and immediately enveloped Roxas in a hug. That must have been his sister, Naminé.

Axel nodded to Roxas in encouragement as the teenager turned in his direction. Roxas smiled briefly before stepping into the house and his sister followed after him. Axel sighed to himself as the door closed behind the two of them. Jabbing his hands in his pockets, he walked down the street in the direction of Roxas's house and stood under what he surmised was the living room window. He smiled when he heard what sounded like Roxas's laughter and turned away from the window and began to make his way down the street once again.

For the first time in seven years, time had stopped.

Soon, his heart would be full again.

-x-

_May words escape me for tonight._

_Just for tonight as I lay here breathing. I will stay here remembering the last embers of red. The flash of jade in the night. A heavy voice, turned raspy by the smoke of too many cigarettes. The world can no longer swallow me hold, it relinquishes it's grip on my soul. I am free, the wind rushing over my face, whipping my clothes away from me. I step forward as I finally realize where I am.  
><em>

_I'll make a second chance for myself in the dawn of summer._

_6/7_

_3:04AM_

**what fame used to be. what fast used to be. what low used to be.**

**what new york used to be. **

**fin**


End file.
